Poem #1

I don't want to wait any more time,
I don't want to waste any more life,
I don't want disappointment, to drown my heart,
But when I move and make a start,

All the wind drops out of my sails
the momentum stalls, my courage fails,

I remember why I stopped trying to alter,
my life to avoid that moment I falter,

the pain of the inner voice of doubt,
the reasons why I shouldn't shout,
that I can do it to the world,
"keep it silent, private girl",
and if you win you can then share,
the spoils of your new affair,
but if you're failing once again,
no one sees your shame begin,
when your own voice lays in, disgusted,
that your efforts have combusted,
turning into scuppered hope,
continuing a lifelong joke,
this pathetic sink and float,
flatlined energy, trying to cope.

Mortified, upset, caught out again,
how are you, Holly? says a friend,
"ok....", I pause, what can I say?
I cannot show them my dismay.
Or thoughts of: give up, f****** fool,
Did you not learn that one from school?
They promised you the world and more,
If you got that letter score.
Set for life, they said, they lied,
How was I to know? a child,
Wide eyed I did just as I ought,
Terrified of falling short.

Please tell me I am good enough,
to join the best, to make your cut.
In your system, I've invested,
So I can finally be impressive,
I've been working for years so that I can get,
your approval, it's gold dust, I don't have it yet,
My self worth is riding on others, so flawed,
A life waiting on others to give a reward,
for "cream of the crop", pick of the flock,
enough now, please stop.

I was perfect as I was.
An exam does diddly squat
to teach you what your values are
and what it's like to drive a car
when adults spend 2 years of life
driving to their job that's rife,
with other people just like them,
who took on board that doing things that you don't want,
is how you get on in this life.
But it isn't, it's reversely true,
it's the ones that say I'll do,
exactly what it is I want,
if you damp or crush my spirit of do,
then fuck you right the fuck in two.
Why is it not ok to throw,
a tantrum when the others go,
you can't have that,
"it's what I want",
why can't we screen our no no no!!!

Why do adults teach their kids,
the very trauma their own folks did,
it makes no sense to force a child
who has gone off the end of "wild",
to do the things YOU want them to.
It's not their job to please you too.
Their only guide, you're going against,
their intuition, turned offense.
It's cruel, it's hurtful, Christ not mild,
to tell a hurtful screaming child
to suck it up and go to school,
to separate them rule by rule,
from their magic can do yes.
It's what's created all this mess.
If we'd just all fulfill our needs,
we'd half the struggle worldwide, please,
if you can do one thing today,
it's meet a need, and self-hooray,

As kids we had no cant's and buts,
imagination free of ruts,
we dreamed completely unrestrained, easily,
not worrying how it would be attained, breezily,
thinking up cool new ideas, like a maze,
for my hamster, tubes and junctions, a daze,
such a shame that I don't bother dreaming these days,
just because "no", "it won't work", and "who pays",
replaced the belief and the rush of "I know!",
letting external vetos shut down my flow,
battered and bruising my internal go,
my ego shrinking, blow after blow,
and worst, now internal, these voices are wedged,
right into my consciousness, keeping me vegged,
out on the top of my single day bed,
baffled and hurting and shaking my head,
wondering how my voice can really say
"you can't" to me, stopping me, every day.
Plus the list gets longer each time that I try,
it's draining my life force and bleeding me dry,
I've got to do something to change up this voice,
and start hearing "let's do this!" and "great choice!"
And then we'll have won just one battle of ten,
which will grow into loving life fully again.

By Holly Cumming